A good portion of my practice addresses relationship issues, whether love-or-addiction, work-related, sexual, dating, marriage, or family problems. Relationships carry far more complexity than can be portrayed in television, film, or self-help books which fail to capture the true dimensionality and “felt experience” of one’s unique personality, relationship history, and everyday reality. Counseling can be very effective either for couples or individuals wanting to explore and improve important relationships.

I believe as human beings we are psychologically-bound by two competing internal mandates: 1). to discover who we really are and actualize ourselves as whole individuals (“individuation”); and 2). to find “love,” that is, a satisfying and meaningful sense of connection and belonging to significant others. We spend much of our lives, in fact, seeking, maintaining, and building significant relationships (or else, escaping, avoiding, and destroying them!), but within the context of these dual needs for both intimacy and individuation. There’s the rub! Integrating a healthy sense of aloneness with intimacy and togetherness.

Paradoxically, we tend to vacillate between BOTH poles. The more satisfied we feel in one side of the polarity, the more attracted we may become to the other. We might call this natural tendency “the ebb and flow of intimacy” or, more negatively, “the grass is always greener on the other side” syndrome. Unfortunately, it is not always possible to satisfy competing needs for union AND separation simultaneously, thus we grow conflicted and dissatisfied with what we have. What then?

Aside from the “modeling” received from our families-of-origin (or lack of same), many people find themselves “caught” in critical unconscious patterns which show up as tension, instability, acting-out, self-defeating patterns, communication break-down, and a host of other problems and behaviors. Often it is with those closest to us that “issues” arise, ironically, as intimacy itself can be an “activator” of unfinished psychological work. Let me help you explore and improve the quality of your relationships for increased harmony and satisfaction in everyday life. Below are some of the tools I utilize in assessment and treatment of relationship issues.

Scroll down page for:

(1) Love Vs Addiction Survey

(2) On Meeting Halfway (from I Ching)

(3) Jungian Type Test (MBTI)

(1) Take this QUICK SURVEY called “Criteria for Love Vs. Addiction” based on the highly-regarded work of American Psychologist Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving, first published in 1957. I use these questions as a general barometer of the present state of your relationship.

CRITERIA FOR LOVE VS. ADDICTION

1. Does each partner have a secure belief in his or her own value?

2. Are the partners improved by the relationship? By some measure outside of the relationship, are they better, stronger, more attractive, more accomplished, or more sensitive individuals? Do they value the relationship for this very reason?

3. Do the partners maintain serious interests outside the relationship, including other meaningful personal relationships?

4. Are the partners beyond being possessive or jealous of each other’s growth and expansion of interests?

5. Are the lovers also friends? Would they seek each other out if they should cease to be primary partners?

6. Can the partners support and tolerate the natural ebb and flow of each individual’s need, from time to time, for both closeness and distance (i.e. space)?

(2) NEEDING GUIDANCE? Those seeking my help in counseling are encouraged to read the simple, timeless advice (below) adapted from an ancient Chinese text; it seeks to empower the vital force (“entelechy”) that propels any system (including a marriage) to its natural wholeness. I whole-heartedly subscribe to this elegant, wisdom strategy of “meeting halfway“.  I can help you implement needed changes and fine-tune where necessary in ways befitting your own unique situations and personality styles. Key Points for harmonious, effective communication are based on a modern translation* of the ancient Chinese Book of Changes, The I Ching, and in particular, Hexagram 44: Coming To Meet.

Excerpted from the classic Book of Changes

The I Ching

On “MEETING HALFWAY”

HEXAGRAM 44

“Coming to meet halfway is possible only between people who are mutually honest and sincere in their way of life.” I Ching

Key Points:

1. The hexagram describes a “correct” relationship as one in which two people come to meet each other halfway.  Halfway means that both are open and receptive to each other.  It  must be mutually voluntary.

2. We must maintain reserve in our relationships until the coming to meet is mutual.  Maintaining “reserve” is the correct action (or nonaction) during turbulence and communication breakdown

3. Coming to meet halfway is possible only between people who are mutually honest and sincere in their way of life.  It is the great joy of such relationships that they are full of mutual trust and sensitivity

4. “Coming to meet” is best understood as a contract made between two people.  If one is indolent in performing his part, or has mental reservations about what he is willing to do, the contract may fail.  Although such a person may have entered the contract without any immediate objections, his attitude may contain objections which arise only at the time his obligations are to be performed. Such a person may secretly feel that contracts are not to be taken seriously, or, on seeing how difficult it is to fulfill his part, he may hedge on doing it because of some idea that all contracts are subject to fitting into his concept of what is “reasonable.”

5. It is impossible to come to meet such a person halfway and it is better for us to go on our way alone and to wait until the fundamentals of unity are firmly established before we commit ourselves to other people.

6. When we cater to another person’s ego because it is uncomfortable to go on our way alone, we choose the high road of comfort rather the low road of modesty and loneliness.  Withdrawal from the high road is the action often counseled by the I Ching (The Classic Chinese Book of Changes).

7. If a person is treating us presumptuously, and if we remind him (or her) of this, he may correct his habits for a few days, but gradually revert to the same pattern of neglect.  This he does from egotistical indolence (apathy), something in his point of view makes him feel he has the right to be indifferent.

8. Likewise, we must withdraw from the indolent person, “cutting our inner strings” of attachment to him, and no longer look at his wrongdoings with our inner eye (preoccupations, self talk, ideations etc.).

9. This enables the person to see what he is doing in the mirror created by the void.  By dispersing any alienation we may feel, we also lend strength to his superior self. Momentarily, his ego is overcome.  We need to realize that his change is short-lived, but it is an essential beginning.  The change does not last because it is only founded on his response to feeling the void.  It becomes permanent change when he sees clearly that unity with others depends upon his devoting himself to correcting his mistakes.  Only then can we abandon a more formal way of relating to him.

10. The sense of loss, loneliness, or poverty of self a person feels on our withdrawing from him is called “punishment” (in the I Ching), but I prefer the term “mindful disengagement.” Mindful disengagement works only if it is applied in the way described—we must consistently and immediately withdraw, neither contending with him nor trying to force progress by leverage.  We withdraw accepting his state of mind, letting him go.  We must take care not to withdraw with any other attitude than that required to maintain inner serenity, and to keep from “giving up on” him (or her).

11. If on the other hand we withdraw with feelings of alienation, or of self-righteousness, our ego is involved as the punisher. The ego lacks “the power and authority” to punish. The culprits not only do not submit, but “by taking up the problem the punisher arouses poisonous hatred against himself.”  One person’s ego may not punish another person’s ego.

12. When a person returns to the path of “responding correctly” (being open and receptive) we likewise go to meet him (or her) halfway, rather than tell him he is doing things correctly. In this way he comes to relating correctly from his own need to relate correctly and we do not force it on him.  Our consistence and discipline in feeling out each moment and responding to it does the work.

13. It is unnecessary to watch a person’s behavior to see if he is becoming worse or better; we need only be in tune with ourselves.  Our inner voice warns us precisely when to withdraw and when to relate. We need only listen within.

14. It is important to work with a situation only so long as the other person is receptive and open, and to retreat the instant this receptivity wanes.  When we understand that this represents a natural circle of influence, we learn to “let go” when the moment of influence passes, and not to press our views.  This gives other people the space they need to move away from us and return of their own accord.

15. We must avoid egotistical enthusiasm when we think we are making progress, or discouragement when the dark period ensues.  Throughout the cycle we learn to remain detached. Holding steadily to the light within us and within others.  The instant we strive to influence, we “push upward blindly.”  If we insist on accomplishing the goal at all costs, our inner light is darkened and our will to see things through is damaged.

16. The strength of a person’s ego corresponds to the amount of attention it can attract.  On the most simple level this recognition is by eye-to-eye contact; on the more basic inner level we strengthen other people’s egos by watching them with our inner eye.  Only when we withdraw both our eye-to-eye contact and our inner gaze do we deprive his ego of its power—“We cannot lead those whom we follow.”

17. Inner withdrawal is an action of perseverance that has its own reward, but only when it is modest perseverance, not an attempt to impress others by getting them to notice our withdrawal.  In many situations the problem is resolved, not through any external action that arises spontaneously on our part, but by simply “letting it happen,” through letting go of the problem. Our “action” is to “let go.

Adapted from the  essay: “Coming To Meet: Advice From The I Ching,” by Carol Anthony,  [included in the anthology, Challenge Of The Heart, John Welwood, Shambhala).

(3). OPTIONAL:  Know Your Jungian Type: MBTI

Take the free online Jung Typology Test based on MBTI to learn more about your natural personality style. I find this is often quite useful in couples therapy. NOTE: There are no “right or wrong” answers; if you’re not sure which response is more accurate, go with the answer you feel best reflects who you’ve been over the past year. This survey is based on the Myers-Briggs Personality Inventory (MBTI), the most widely-used type test in the world. It is not meant to label or reduce your full complexity and individuality. It gives important information about how you tend to perceive events, approach social situations, your strengths and weaknesses, and decision-making styles. If coming in for counseling, bring your results into our session and we can discuss them further.

As an example, below are Dr. Rosengarten’s MBTI results/profile after recently taking this test:

Idealist: Portrait of the Counselor (INFJ)

Counselors have an exceptionally strong desire to contribute to the welfare of others, and find great personal fulfillment interacting with people, nurturing their personal development, guiding them to realize their human potential. Although they are happy working at jobs (such as writing) that require solitude and close attention, Counselors do quite well with individuals or groups of people, provided that the personal interactions are not superficial, and that they find some quiet, private time every now and then to recharge their batteries. Counselors are both kind and positive in their handling of others; they are great listeners and seem naturally interested in helping people with their personal problems. Not usually visible leaders, Counselors prefer to work intensely with those close to them, especially on a one-to-one basis, quietly exerting their influence behind the scenes.

Counselors are scarce, little more than one percent of the population, and can be hard to get to know, since they tend not to share their innermost thoughts or their powerful emotional reactions except with their loved ones. They are highly private people, with an unusually rich, complicated inner life. Friends or colleagues who have known them for years may find sides emerging which come as a surprise. Not that Counselors are flighty or scattered; they value their integrity a great deal, but they have mysterious, intricately woven personalities which sometimes puzzle even them.

Counselors tend to work effectively in organizations. They value staff harmony and make every effort to help an organization run smoothly and pleasantly. They understand and use human systems creatively, and are good at consulting and cooperating with others. As employees or employers,Counselors are concerned with people’s feelings and are able to act as a barometer of the feelings within the organization. Blessed with vivid imaginations, Counselors are often seen as the most poetical of all the types, and in fact they use a lot of poetic imagery in their everyday language. Their great talent for language-both written and spoken-is usually directed toward communicating with people in a personalized way. Counselors are highly intuitive and can recognize another’s emotions or intentions – good or evil – even before that person is aware of them. Counselors themselves can seldom tell how they came to read others’ feelings so keenly. This extreme sensitivity to others could very well be the basis of the Counselor’s remarkable ability to experience a whole array of psychic phenomena. Mohandas Gandhi, Sidney Poitier, Eleanor Roosevelt, Jane Goodall, Emily Bronte, Sir Alec Guiness, Carl Jung, Mary Baker Eddy, Queen Noor are examples of the Counselor Idealist (INFJ).

In relationships, INFJs are warm and affirming people who are usually also deep and complex. They’re likely to seek out and promote relationships that are intense and meaningful. They tend to be perfectionists, and are always striving for the Ultimate Relationship. For the most part, this is a positive feature, but sometimes works against the INFJ if they fall into the habit of moving from relationship to relationship, always in search of a more perfect partner. In general, the INFJ is a deeply warm and caring person who is highly invested in the health of their close relationships, and puts forth a lot of effort to make them positive. They are valued by those close to them for these special qualities. They seek long-term, lifelong relationships, although they don’t always find them.

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